11 Oct 2012

The Deadly Dung Beetle

I nearly died yesterday. I can’t remember when I’ve been more scared! I can’t believe that I made it to the office safely without killing myself and everyone around me. Here is how I nearly died yesterday.

It was a typical day for real estate; I was meeting a home inspector at a home in downtown Killeen. It is a beautiful property with gorgeous trees that are so old and tall. Nearly the entire yard is shaded. It’s lovely. So when I was standing in the driveway under a massive oak tree talking with the inspector about what he felt were the main issues with the house, the inspector said the main thing was that there was a massive hornets’ nest in the breaker box and they got very angry with him when he opened it. He was not stung but he did bother them a bit.

I am extremely allergic to hornets, wasps and bees and mainly just hate them in general. I got the chills when he told me and I could just imagine them stalking me at that very moment! We were still discussing the hornets when something big thudded on my right shoulder and I screamed and nearly jumped into the inspectors arms. (That would’ve been really bad since he was half my size.)

I looked on my shoulder. Nothing. I looked all around me where whatever it was could’ve fallen onto the ground after hitting my shoulder. Nothing. I thought it must’ve been a big acorn that fell from the tree and I didn’t see where it went. The inspector said, “I hope it’s not a hornet!” and laughed. We shook hands, said our goodbyes and I walked back down the driveway, across the street and into my car.

I had about a 10 minute drive down the main drag in Killeen until I was back at the office. Suddenly, the top of my head started to itch. So I scratched it. I didn’t think anything of it. Then…the top of my head started to reallyitch and I could tell that something BIG was in my hair on the top of my head. Just like in a horror movie, everything turned into slow motion! I slowly looked at the top of my head in the rear view mirror and saw a giant orange and black bug moving around in my hair!

Orange and black! Orange and black! Oh my God! It’s a hornet! A hornet! A hornet is my hair, in my car! I started to scream at the top of my lungs and weirdly just screamed the word, “Hornet!!” over and over again. I was in shock. Then it started to get mad and buzz trying to get loose from my hair!

Here are the thoughts that went through my head:

  1. I can’t touch it! It’ll get mad and sting me!
  2. It’ll get mad and sting my head over and over again because it’s stuck!
  3. It’ll get loose and fly around all pissed off and sting me while I’m driving and I’ll wreck.
  4. If I leave it alone, it’ll make its way down to my face and sting my face!
  5. Then it’ll get pissed and fly around the car, sting me again and cause me to wreck the car.

I was panicking! So…the only rational thing I could think of was to roll the window down, stick my head out of the car as far as I could and scream, “Get out!!! Get out!! Get out!!” while crying uncontrollably and driving down the main street in Killeen!

At this point, people in the cars around me were staring and wondering what in the world was going on. I was screaming with my head out the window and praying for God to get this hornet out of my hair.

I pulled my head back into the car after a couple of minutes and in movie slow motion again, looked into the rear view mirror to see if it had flown out. There it was. And now… it was tangled even worse in my hair and was even more pissed than before and was buzzing like crazy trying to break free from my hair! I started to scream and cry uncontrollably but didn’t stick my head out of the car this time but people were still looking at me because my window was down and they could hear me screaming and asking God to get this hornet out of my hair! I was still screaming and crying, “Get out! Get out!”

As I approached my office, I slowly picked up the phone and called my partner, CJ. He answered calmly of course, and then I screamed, “CJ!! There’s a hornet in my hair! Oh my god there’s a hornet in my hair! Meet me in the parking lot now and get it out!!”

CJ said calmly, “Do what?”

“There’s a hornet in my hair! There’s a hornet in my hair! Just get out in the parking lot now and get it out! Now! Now! Now!” And I hung up the phone, careened into the parking lot, threw the car into park, jumped out of the car and bent over in front of CJ who was already in the parking lot ready to help.

I was screaming at him, “Get it out! Get it out! Get it out!”

He kept saying he didn’t see it and then it buzzed and he said, “Here it is.” And he flipped out a giant bug that landed on the parking lot. It was an enormous dung beetle.

CJ pointed at it, looked at me, said, “Well, there you go.” He turned around and slowly walked back into the office leaving me on my knees in the parking lot still in shock, heaving and weak from the adrenaline that had been pumping through my body. I looked at that dung beetle and was so glad it wasn’t a hornet but the dung beetle is just as scary and gross.

Everyone in the neighboring offices and businesses were staring and wondering what in the heck was going on with the screaming idiot that just pulled a giant beetle out of her hair and is now heavily breathing and crying on her knees in the parking lot alone.

I took a picture of the dung beetle to remember the bug that nearly killed me. I can’t believe I was able to drive that long, in panic mode, screaming with my head sticking out the window! My head keeps itching now and everyone keeps saying that it probably laid eggs in my hair. If so, I’ll write a follow up chapter when the eggs hatch and I try to drive back to the office and have CJ kill the hatchlings. Hands down; scariest ten minute drive ever. I hate bugs.

Here it is. The Dung Beetle that nearly killed me. I hope he died a horrible death being dismembered by a ravenous bird. Uggh.